My mental breakdown (nervous breakdown)
DISCLAIMER: If you can’t handle traumatic or upsetting stories I wouldn’t read this blog post.
Hello again! It’s pretty grey where I am right now, I’m hoping the sun comes out soon :). I thought that this morning I would give you another advice post, you guys really seem to enjoy these; and I want to help you by telling you my experience; and giving you tips on how to avoid this situations.
If you want to see how my depression and anxiety started click here.
If you are out there are you are going through this, in my heart I feel awfully sorry for you; because this is when I hit rock bottom in my life and I know that’s how you feel too. I love you all and we can get through this together :).
I will be taking you through my BIGGEST emotional breakdown, what impact it had on me and my family and what happened after.
If you want to see my personal experience, and advice on how to avoid this situations; keep calm relax and have a little read.
In this blog post I can’t say names, so I will refer to this particular person as: it, him, he etc. I also can’t explain certain things this person did to me for legal reasons.
This emotional breakdown was caused by another human being, someone that I thought I loved,someone that I thought cherished and cared about me … But he did not. He hurt me emotionally and physically; which took it’s toll on me in the end.
This person controlled me like a puppet: from telling me what to wear, what to say and how to act. As well as, telling me when I can and can’t see him, what I should spend my money on. He would steal from me, or demand money by using mental and physical abuse.
But worst of all was the mental abuse, he would give me all the attention in the world, and then take it away from me in a heartbeat. He would be the love of my life one minute, and my stone cold enemy the next. He would tell me, “your life isn’t worth living if you don’t have me”, “you wouldn’t be able to cope on your own, no one would be with you”, “you’re disgusting, vile, hideous, why am I with you?” etc.
He made me feel that I couldn’t live without him. It was a gradual decline, he was so manipulative and cruel. He wrapped me around his little finger until I nearly took my own life. I started self-harming when I was with him; the physical pain distracted the mental abuse. But he would still tell me to kill myself. He said I was “overreacting” and that it was “all in my head”. He made me think that everything he did to me, was my fault.
He then left me … Everything he did and he left me, for no reason. I came home, previously having spent time with him; and he messaged me to say that it was over. At that moment in time I couldn’t breath, I felt numb and had no idea what to do with myself. I wasn’t upset that he was gone, I was devastated. He made me feel that I couldn’t live without him, he made me believe that. He beat me emotionally and physically for him to leave? I broke, literally, I went to his home and destroyed his room. Everything he had stole from me, everything that he made me spend my money on … I smashed. After all of that, I took him back … He said he was sorry, that it was him and not me. And I took him back; at this point I wasn’t a human being, I was a walking skeleton.
Until one day I finally realised that it wasn’t me it was him, I seeked professional help without him knowing and left him. That was the best day of my life.
After he had left I felt nothing.
I came home, curled up on the sofa and stayed there for hours. I cried but said nothing. I did this for weeks. I couldn’t sleep, everything I ate I threw up.
To try and get me to sleep my dad had to rock me back and forth like I was a little child.
For weeks I didn’t talk, the only sound I made was the tears that came before and eyes; at the tragic sound that came after that.
My eyes were red raw, they were as swollen as golf balls. My complexion was anemic, I looked like the walking dead. I forgot how to speak, I had no energy to do anything, this entailed, brushing my hair, washing my body. I just wouldn’t do it.
All I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. On times when I had to go downstairs I would rock myself to feel at ease. Eventually I spoke, but only to mum, as she is the closest person I have to this day. I said, “maybe if I change he would take me back”. Oh how I wish I never said that, how I wish that I didn’t let him brainwash me; but at that moment in my life Amy was gone … Amy didn’t exist. Amy was kidnapped by him. He had taken her away, and replaced her with a dead soul.
Eventually I learnt how to communicate, but only in the household and very close friends, being Eisha. On the night that this happened, she sat by my side and held me; bare this in mind she hates physical contact; and she held me. She made me feel safe, and for that I love her, I will love her forever.
The recovery process was draining. I had to live without manipulation. You may be thinking, ‘that’s fantastic’. But for 2 years of my life this person took over me, I was not Amy McGuire, I was somewhere else. I had lived by these rules for years, I knew nothing else. The anxiety of doing something wrong was ridiculous, I was scared to wear my own clothes the way I wanted to, as he had said that I couldn’t do that. I would have been judged and called a slut, whore, ugly etc. if I dressed the way I wanted to. I would have been judged if I spent my money the way that I wanted to. Everything that I wanted to do I couldn’t, because he was still there, controlling my mind. Even though he was gone physically, I was left with nothing. I was left with burning questions, of WHY? In which to this day I still can’t answer. I still can’t understand how he could treat me the way that he did. We are all human, and for him to do what he did to me, to another human being, is not only inhumane, but unquestionably vile.
I still go to therapy, I still need to talk to people, because it’s impacted my current relationship. I still get scared of being truly happy, because I am terrified of experiencing this all over again.
I know that Chris (my current boyfriend) would never harm me in any way shape or form! But the anxiety is still there because of my past experience.
I still have nightmares to this day, I struggle to sleep at night. The only time I can actually sleep is when Chris is by my side holding me; and even then I have night terrors. But I know he is there to protect me. Always. I love him so very much, and I’m thankful that I have someone like him in my life.
HOW TO AVOID THIS:
If I was as strong as I am now I would have said goodbye to that person a while ago. I was a weak and fragile person and he knew that; he took advantage and took me piece by piece until there was nothing left.
If you are in a current relationship and he is even slightly controlling you, even if it’s, “can I see your phone?”, “I don’t think you should wear that”, “I don’t think you should buy that”, tell him to stop of leave! People like them start off small and then it gets worse! They get into your brain and then take control of it!
PLEASE BELIEVE ME!
I would not wish this to happen to anyone, this is the worst pain I have every experienced in my life, he took 2 years off my life … 2 whole years I won’t get back.
Please stay safe and listen to what other people tell you about him, he they say that he’s controlling please don’t go there.
I learnt the VERY hard way, and it still effects me to this day.
If you want to know any personal details about what happened to me, you can message me.
Hopefully in the next year of so I will be able to tell you everything in detail about what he did physically.
I want to say a huge thank you for reading this, and if you are going through this with a current partner, please leave them. I did and it was the best thing that I ever did.
I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, but it will make you a stronger person. It sure as hell makes you view the world differently.
I love you all so very much, and I will see you again later on today with another vegan recipe :).
Stay safe and stay tuned Little ones 🙂 x x x
Stay safe and stay tuned Little ones 🙂 x x x