MY BODY DYSMORPHIA
Good evening Little Ones, today’s blog post isn’t going to be the most positive, but it needs to be discussed none-the-less.
Recently my mental health has been all over the place, for several years I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety.
A new addition to the family is, body dysmorphia.
I’ve never shared this negative aspect of my life, purely because every-time I’ve tired to open up about this particular topic, I get frustrating comments.
Such as, “you’re stupid for thinking you are bigger than you are”, “get over it”, “I don’t know what you are talking about”.
Those comments ringing in my ears made me run away from reality.Although, I’ve come to the realisation that this form of mental health needs to be addressed and out in the open.
Even if nobody takes this on board, I need the weight lifted off my shoulders.
If you are pondering which avenue to take, give this a read, I’m not saying this blog post is the magic pill.
But, it may give you the tools to overcome your mental illness.
WHAT IS BODY DYSMORPHIA?
For my fellow peers reading this post, you may be wondering what body dysmorphia is.
Let me help you with that piece of information.
Body dysmorphia is a mental disorder which showcases an unhealthy obsession with the body, a person will go through exceptional measures to disguise or mend the dysmorphic part of their body.A single thought can manifest into a dangerous fixation, one of which I’ve battled for years.
It doesn’t have to be one dedicated issue, there can be several primary problems, which can overall affect: confidence, well-being and quality of life.
MY BODY DYSMORPHIA STORY:
WHEN DID I REALISE I HAD A PROBLEM?
Since I was a little girl I’ve always had insecurities, they were tiny critiques … I wasn’t tall enough, hair wasn’t pretty enough, body wasn’t skinny enough.
There was always an, “I’m not good enough” element.
I would try and find ways to improve the way I looked, from experimenting with several awful hairstyles, caking my face with Maybelline dream matte mousse, to starving myself senseless.
If your ribs weren’t showing, you were miles away from your ideal role-model.
I started to realise years down the line that I had no control of my life anymore.
The scales became my best-friend, and food my enemy.
I hated myself, no matter how much weight I lost, I still looked hideous.
I managed to take control of my life again, still to this day I’m not a healthy weight, but I’m still scarred from the obsessive behaviour years ago.
I realised a few months ago that I loathe my physical appearance. By writing this blog post and getting professional help I know i can diminish these ridiculous ideologies of myself.
WHAT ARE MY MAIN INSECURITIES?
Everyone has their demons, mine just so happens to be an endless list.
Each aspect brings nothing but torment.
I’m going to deconstruct each aspect and explain why I’m obsessed and what I do in order to hide my insecurities.
Please don’t touch … Each morning I place my feet together and stand in front of a mirror making sure my thighs don’t touch.
I examine my legs, judging how disgusting they look, I watch out for spillage above my knee, and non-existant muscle definition.
The overall shape displeases me, I despise how they appear thicker at the top and decrease towards my knee-cap.
No matter which pose I strike, I can never see my legs in a positive light … They appear chunky, unattractive and pasty.
The fact I can see my navy veins skipping beneath the surface of my skin infuriates my person.
This body part continues to plague my mental health, due to the fact they are the opposite of my overall goal.
In order to temporarily banish these tree-trunks, I wear exceedingly baggy clothing … Which also makes me appear bigger than I am, it also drives away comments such as, “do you even eat”.
My fiancée constantly suggests that I wear tighter clothing, occasional I put on a pair of jeans … But those are the days I feel my worst.
I repeatably check my reflection, I need to ensure that my legs are covered and don’t appear bulky.
Each step I take I stare at my legs, a whirlwind of repulsive phrases spins around my mind.
Making me dizzy until I’ve had enough.
Desperation makes me curl into a ball and taunt, “I wish I was good enough“.
When I’m in the comfort of my own home I wear oversized t-shirts … The more it flows the better, I don’t want material touching my bare skin.
The moment I cast a sight at my bare legs, I sink into a great depression wishing I was good enough.
Why can’t my legs appear silky smooth, tanned and toned?
Each conversation I have with my partner he states, “your legs are skinny, you need to put on weight”. Sadly, this is music to my ears, but my eyes deceive me.
I never see what he sees, and I desperately wish I did.
Sadly I remember the cruel days of puberty, from outrageous pimples to obnoxious hips … I had all the iconic elements of becoming a woman, apart from breasts.
For several years my breasts never fully developed, at the age of 21 I’m still not happy with the overall size.
In my perspective they are a true disappointment, like a child that’s broken all the rules.
Each morning I scoop them into a bra and forget that they ever existed … They make me feel useless, unsexy and futile.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will forever be cursed with a flat chest.
The obsessive behaviour started looming when the days of social media erupted … Behold the art of comparing yourself to unrealistic individuals.
Each morning my routine started and finished with a major stalking session, women in bikinis, underwear and anything that remained revealing.
Doesn’t sound fantastic, but it was fascinating to see various women showcasing parts of their body in confidence. They are evidently beautiful.
Several bittersweet moments, as I admire their confidence but I wish I could have a taste of what it felt like to post a sultry picture and not feel self-conscious.
It’s taken me a few days to write this blog post, I didn’t comprehend how difficult it would be to write … It’s made me realise that I need professional help, as I still maintain an unbalanced relationship with food and health in general.
I really appreciate you reading this, and if you are going though the same struggles help is out there.
Anyhow, I hope you have a wonderful day, and I will see you tomorrow with a sweet treat!
Remember to stay safe and stay tuned! x x x